Oh be careful little Tongue what you say: Part Three

“Out of the same mouth come blessing and cursing.” James 3:10

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29 

For many years I have been considering how our words impact others. Even words that I say about myself have a huge impact on my relationships. Little sayings like: “Sticks and stones my break my bones but words will never hurt me” are words of walls we put up to protect ourselves and hide the hurt when people say things to us that cut our hearts open.  Sometimes we even repeat them over to ourselves to help us believe it didn’t hurt or that we are the weak one if it did hurt.  

I wasn’t very old when I learned that words did hurt me.  As I child I was very sincere in my faith and desire to follow Jesus.  I was taunted and teased by “Christian” kids more than non believers. I also was not very old when I learned that I could use what I said to manipulate and convince people that my way was the best and of course right! I was young when my words in anger hurt people I loved most and echoed in my heart as I lived in shame for what I said but was too proud to make things right for days sometimes.

So how do we teach or encourage our children to say not any corrupt thing but only what builds up? (ESV translation) Is it to memorize verses such as this one?  Is it to wash their mouths out with soap?  Is it live to by example and only say that which will build up (we know this is impossible right?). Is it to teach them that swearing is bad?   

We can be hurt by the words of our spouse, our child, our co worker, our friend our relative.  Sometimes those words are intentional to hurt and relationships are shattered.  I believe, however that sometimes words hurts because my heart is sinful and broken and I hear a message that is not actually spoken.

Let me explain with vulnerability.  I am not a good house keeper.  I am easily overwhelmed by it and honestly it is not a priority. I do love it when my house is clean though! My husband came from a home where a clean house was of much importance.  We even talked about this before we married as we perceived it could be a problem.  So, when he would come into the kitchen with a broom and say, “When was the last time you swept the floor?”  I heard, “You are so careless, and I am embarrassed that the floor is dirty.  You are making me ashamed, especially when my family comes to visit” I felt so in adequate and like I could never do it good enough for him. On the other hand, he might have said it different.  “May I sweep the floor for you, you have been busy with the children, then we could sit and have a coffee after we do the dishes together.” Because in reality he didn’t think of me as inadequate and his help was so much appreciated.  But my brokenness received the words through the sieve of what I believed. And his words were said out of the heart of what he believed.  Can you see where I am going with this? Yes! It was a matter of heart issues.

So, when words are heard or spoken what matters is what is in the heart.  Maybe this will help us hear what our child is really saying when they speak.  Or sometimes we can help our child hear what is really said if we address what is happening in their heart.

Let’s have a look at this verse again.

 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29

I have presented that what is in the heart determines what is heard from words spoken as well as what is actually said and meant. If we really want to build our kids up, the words of our heart will be blessing, right?

Sit down with your family and have a discussion around this verse.  I have intentionally left out other scriptures.  I challenge you to find other verses that support a change of heart and how it affects the words we say and use to build up those we love. Proverbs is rich with ideas about what we say, what is in our hearts and how it affects people.  Start there. 

Activity Ideas:

Go to a beach this summer and write the verses in the sand. Get a box of alphabet cereal and invite your kids to display the verse and then memorize it.

With older children, explore the idea of building others up with our words according to their needs.  If we are careful to learn what our friend, sibling, cousin needs our words have meaning and intention.  Our compliments will be authentic.

Practise what you preach and what you read in God’s word. Do you know the heart of your child well enough to speak words and live actions to build them up?

Words such as “Thank you,” “Please,” “You’re welcome” are a great place to start.  They give value to each other and our actions. If heart changes need to happen, take the time to listen and dialogue with each other and to seek God’s input.